Posted on 06.01.08 at 17:53
I need someone, something to touch me today. I need to be held and have reverent hands run through my hair, over my face. I need to hear those words... those words that people are feeling. I need to sit alone in a darkened room and feel like there are others out there. Somewhere, that feel like i do. I need to know that I'm not alone in this insanity.
Posted on 05.29.08 at 19:24
Current Location: Home
Nerve endings' vibes: calm
Over the roar in my head: Cat Purring
It has been a long time. I don't know where to begin, or even what to say.
So much time has passed, and our lives all kept moving right along. i look back at entries, and I remember the pain. I look back at photos and I shake my head and blink wondering, "Was I ever that young?" "Were we that young?" It astounds me.
Lately, I've been dreaming of the past.
We were so passionate about everything. From mud puddles to abortion rights. We were living the only way we knew how. Running as fast as we could from each of our own personal hells. How we hurt. How we loved.
Now. Life times have passed and I sit in an appartment that I have lived in alone for a year, and I'm not lonely. I am much different now. So much time has healed my wounds, I have learned how to love, then let go. I have learned my own heart. It's been a long painful road. I have agonized over my friends and lovers, over where I stood in it all. And Here I stand.
I will be getting married in the next few months, and I'm ready to commit myself to an amazing man. Not the one Everyone always thought, He Left, and I grew up. Sometimes, no matter how you love, how long you love, you have to let go. And I have. That love that used to burn so brightly, so hot, that sometimes I was afraid of the consquenses, has dulled into the warm glow of times past, and lives lived, of fond memories, and wistful young hearts.
I may not invite the third that made our trio. How love, do I tell her that though I used to love her so much, and yes I still do, it hurts too much to know that she would be coming and I wouldn't know her anymore? Then if I could deal with that, How would I say yes, you can come but don't being your lover, because I won't compromise who I am for you ever again? Even as it breaks my heart thinking about it, I remember, She was suppsoed to be my maid of honor, to talk me out of, or maybe into eloping, to stand by my side smiling as I took this next step in life, she was supposed to make a toast, and dance silly with me. And now, now she doen't return my phone calls, doesn't tell me where she lives, doesn't even know my future husband. And that breaks my heart just a little more.
As I stand at this place in my life, I know one thing. I have finally Learned to Love and then Let Go. May this be the final chapter in my book of life on this painful lesson. And may ,one day, all those that we have loved look back kindly on the time we all spent being "that young."
Posted on 08.05.07 at 01:25
Current Location: Eric's house
Nerve endings' vibes: lethargic
I need you. Like few times before, lately I have needed you. I long to hear your voice, your laughter. To see your smile. I needed to hear what you thought. I needed your opinion. I needed to talk it over with someone who understood what is in my heart, in my mind. And you weren't there. Like so many before, you were not there.
How am I suppose to make the biggest decision of my life, to this point, without being able to talk it out with you? You were my steady. You knew me. You know my story. But you are gone. Lost maybe forever, and oh, how it hurts me.
I grieved over you like you were dead, becaause, in a way you are, for this time, you are, maybe forever. I grieved over you then, but I am not sure that I fully grieved for you, for what we were, and now, when I thought it would all be okay, becuase I would talk it out with you, you weren't there. You aren't here now, when I need you.
More than not knowing what I should do, where I'm heading, more than loving two different men, I am breaking over not being able to talk with you. More than all this confusion is confusion over what the hell happened. Why are you so angry. Where did you go? Where are you when I need you. Did you ever actually care? More than anything now, right now, I am grieving you. The loss of you. Because I never really gave myself that chance, I was so numb for so long, so broken, that i could only bleed, barely keeping my head above the waves of my broken heart. I never grieved for you, over you, I never got to say goodbye, I never actually shut the door on Us.
I think maybe it was because I was afraid I couldn't live without you. You had been there for so long, through so much, and then you were gone. Maybe it was beause I was afraid that if I shut that door, no window would open. Maybe I was afraid I wasn't strong enough. Strong enough to stand on my own, without anyone. But I am strong enough. I know that now. I can live without you. And more windows have opened than I know what to do with.
But I miss you, I miss you.
You were always there, and then, bam, you were gone, and I was so stunned I didn't know what hit me.
Amd now I want you to know the amazing man in my life. I want you to laught with us, be the third of the dynamic trio again. I want to hear what you think about him. I want you to hear me say that I love him, knowing I also love another. And I want you to help me know what it is I should do, because I'm so afraid of breaking either of their hearts.
I want you to hear that I love that he never treats me like I'm broken- because he's never seen me broken, but he holds me when I cry, and just lets me cry until it doens't hurt anymore. I want you to know that I've finally found someone that I will let hold me while I cry. I want you to see the way he looks at me through his slanty eyes. I want to hear you opinion of him, and laugh over Moriah's "He's just not Kenton." I want you yo help me know which road to take, the road starting years ago, or this new one, just starting to make an appearance.
I want to see you without my heart stopping, catching in my throat then plumeting into my toes. I want to talk with you. To laugh with you over everything from the way birds walk to my new Mormon Mom hair cut. To understand you again.
I want to know why you never believed you would be there with me as we ascended into Heaven.
That was a choice. And it's been made. Now we must live with the consequences.
So I'm not talking with you, I'm not laughing with you. You've never met this new man, and I may never know what you would think of him. I may never know that you think about my happily ever after changing before my eyes. Because you aren't hrer, and you chose that. So all I can do is grieve over you, and then put you where you belong- behind a long ago shut door, on a high, forgotten shelf labeled "disappointments." Because I needed you and you weren't there like you said you would be.
Posted on 06.21.07 at 11:30
Current Location: Eric's house
Over the roar in my head: hey hey good bye
Today my question stands, if it comes down to it, will I be stong enough to let four years of my life aside,remember it fondly, remmber him fondly, love him, but not be in love with him? Am I that strong? Is he? So what happens if maybe he's not the one, and the man I see now, looking at me like maybe, just maybe the sun might rise and set on me, what if I choose him? Will I be a liar,? I would still love him, but I wouldn't be in love with him, and we knew his waas a possibilty...so where will that leave me? Who will I be then? Will I be Me for once or just someone else's perfect little dream woman?
I just don't know right now.
Posted on 05.24.07 at 21:42
Over the roar in my head: since you've been gone: Avril Lavine
Who the hell do you think you are? Who the hell do you think you are to me? Do you assume that you hold a place in my heart? Do you think that because I used to love you that I still do? Do you think because I used to trust you I still will? Do you think that because you used to be mine you can pretend time didn't have Her say? Do you think you hold my heart? Do you think you are my love now, after all that has happened? After all the water under the bridge? After all the storms I have now weathered without you? Who the Hell do you think you are that you have the right to act like nothing ever happened? Who the hell do you think you are that I will just forget all the pain you've put me through? Who the hell do you think you are?
Let me tell you who are to me. Nothing. You are nothing now. I used to love you and I realized today that that love faded a lifetime ago, back when things started to change. I used to lean on you, but now, I again stand tall- remembering always remembering that I stand alone. You are yesterday to me- a fading memory. I nice memory mostly, but a painful one. Like an old, browned photo that used to mean something, but now is just a photo of a time and a place that mean nothing to you. That is who you really are.
To go ahead, pretend I care if that sooths your soul. Remember that I have cried over you, I have cried for you. I have prayed because of you, I have prayed for you. I have lost sleep over you. I have lost sleep for you. I have loved you. But now, now, You are my yesterday. And I don't know who the hell you think you are.
Posted on 03.07.07 at 21:59
Current Location: evergreen computer lab
I had a really long day today- a really painful one. And I came here because I had to write a paper, I walk into the building, part of me knowing, and I see you. I thought I was mistaken at first but still, there was a hitch in my long legged, loose, hip swinging stride. I straightened my spine, and set my face a walked past the girl that I used to call my best friend like she were no more than a stranger on the street. It chipped a piece of my already bleeding heart but I walked on by like I didn't even see her...but I did, and I wanted to go to her and hold her close, whisper I love you in her ear and not let go. But I walked on by. And she saw me. So did her lady friend. So did her lady friend's best friend. And they all went silent as they watched me walk on by...
I wonder if they could hear my heart crack a little more. I wonder if they say the hidden tears. I wonder if any one of them hurts like I do. But some how I doubt it. Some how I'm doubting a lot of things right now. Like her honesty with me- ever. Like her love for me- fake. Like her friendship- crock.
But I don't think she knows. More than that I don't think she cares. And I'm done.
Posted on 03.04.07 at 20:07
Nerve endings' vibes: contemplative
If you wouldn't mind, I would like to take a moment of your time. I just wanted you to know something that means a great deal to me. I know you're busy and that you have a lot of things you need to get done, so I will just take a brief moment of you busy day to tell you something you may not know.
I loved you. With my whole broken, and then rebuilt heart. I loved you. With everything I am I loved you. That is the only way I know how to love- completely. I gave you everything I had. I didn't hide anything from you. If you had needed anything, it was yours. If there was anything I could have ever done to make your life any easier, any kinder, any better I would have done it. If it came down to choosing if you lived or died I would have done anything to keep you alive- even if that meant giving up my own life. Love, if you had needed a shoulder to cry on, I have two. If you needed ears to listen, I have two. And if you need my height, my strength, anything it was yours.
I loved you. And I hope you know that. I loved you and with that love, came a lot of things you may never know. But I'm telling you now that I loved you, that you meant everything to me. I trusted you with my heart and that is one of the greatest gifts I know how to give. You had it Love, it was right there. Right there.
I loved you. And I thought you loved me. And I learned to lean on you when I needed someone. I learned that I could count on you, no matter what everyone else said. I didn't listen to those that said you would break me. I didn't listen to those that said you weren't on that level with me. I didn't listen to those that said you weren't worth my time- because you were- you were shining bright with so much potential it was almost blinding. So I didn't listen. And I loved you in the only way I know how. Completely. completely.
So I just wanted to take a moment of your time to tell you, just so you might remember that I loved you and maybe I still do, but I will never again trust you. I will never again lean on you. I will never again defend you in front of my family. I will never again make excuses for you to your family. I will never again put my heart on the line for you. Never again. Though I love you, I will soon let you go, and it is a choice I am making, and yes I will do my best to keep in touch, but not like I would have killed myself to do if you had not ripped out my heart, trodden it underfoot and then laughed at the mangled, broken, bleeding mass at your feet.
I wanted you to know that I loved you but now...now I don't know what it is I call this feeling....disappointment? yeah. Sadness? yes. Brokenhearted? definently. regret? maybe. maybe.
Posted on 03.03.07 at 13:45
Current Location: Adams family theme song...still
I feel full up to my eyes -knowing it's an illusion - but still I feel full. I feel full of pain. I feel full of hurt. I feel full of questions. I feel full of lost dreams. I feel full of weariness. I feel full of coulda, woulda, shouldas. I feel full of doubts. I feel full of a lot of unpleasant things but mostly I feel full of emptiness.
While this is understandable, I think I should feel bad about it. But I don't.
] I got a panicked call from my brother the other day. He wanted to hear from my own mouth that I was okay. He wanted to know if there was anything he could do. And I smiled because I know he is more angry than I am.
Yesterday I got home from work and on my couch sat my pixie girl, smelling of her lover and the whisps of Missouri. Her gentleman sat there with her, they were curled up in each other, and I began to smile at nothing more than finally feeling something. I felt silly being the one without my guy to bicker like an old married couple with. And for some reason that makes me smile. He asked if I had eaten and I said that yes, I had eaten today. Because I had- I knew I needed to - I hadn't eaten anything except a bowl of oatmeal the day before and a recese the day before that. Knowing I was avoiding the question- he asked at what time. I smiled and asked if he was hungry. A stupid grin spread across both of their faces and I knew we were going to have to make a road trip to find some food.
We talked about their trips and laughed and I still worried in the back of my mind- I worried over a girl that I love- who is making some interesting decisions in her world. I worried over the man I love. I worried about what the hell I'm going to do. And I worried that I won't be strong enough.
As we sat in Dirty Dave's and ate pizza with refried beans and chicken on it's thin, crackly crust, I opened my wallet for something and he stopped me from closing it. He wanted to see my ID- because he had never seen me with my hair styled. I handed him my wallet and he made a comment only a Kevin can make- "Wow, you look pretty." I laughed as that love struck pixie smacked him on the arm- and he realized what he said and tried to fix it. But as She looked across the table at me with the 'could I love him more' look mixed with the 'sorry my man's a bit of a tard' on her face, my world righted itself some and I felt my feet touch down on solid ground.
Before they left -after he fixed my entryway light- bless him- she gave me two tapes to talk to my man and the cinnamon candies i eat when I need a comfort food. I smiled and we hugged and she told me with a look that she loves me.
After they were gone I listened to a long rambling message from the travel sized, spiritual giant that has more jumpy energy than should be legal and smiled because I couldn't help it.
I sat on my bed and wondered at the Lord's tender mercies- at him giving me people to love me, people to get angry for me when I'm too broken to, for ones to step in and fill that empty place that she just ripped open again and I thanked him for that. I praise him for that.
I thank them for that as well- you are my light in the midst of darkness and I say now thank you. I love you too.
Posted on 03.01.07 at 22:25
Nerve endings' vibes: crushed
Over the roar in my head: too little too late
I don't know where to start. Really where do you start? I had no words to give you yesterday. None. I saw it coming yes, but oh how I hoped I was wrong. I prayed I was wrong.
You see I have loved you for years now, you were my best friend. You used to know everything about me. You used to know me. More than that, I used to know you. Because really I haven't changed so much. I have grown, I have become more- but you- you have become someone else. But this is ground I've already covered.
I have questions and I hope that you'll finally tell me the answers.
Why did you lie to me?
'You didn't know how to approach me' that's bullshit- we both know it. You were too afraid to talk to me. Thanks. Thank you for that. I'm so grateful you trust me so much. In fact Fuck you. I gave you everything I was Kyleen. Everything. I let you into my heart deeper than even him. I loved you even when it hurt to love you. I loved you and supported you when no one else has. I didn't balk at your sexual preference- though we both know how I feel about it. I loved your love because you do. I supported her because you needed that of me. I gave you everything I was Kyleen. Everything.
I never questioned your loyalty. I never questioned your love. I was busy questioning everyone else's. I questioned his love almost everyday. I questioned his stamina- how long before he walked away? How long? I never thought to question you. I guess I assumed that because you had been hurt you wouldn't return that favor. I guess I figured that you understood the way I nearly broke everyday facing those that I love walking away. Kyleen you knew.
How could you Kyleen?
How could you?
You knew how I hurt. You knew.
So why did you turn around and do exactly what they did? WHY? I want to know. I deserve to know. How did you think it would be fine and dandy to shove that knife a little deeper, to twist it a little further, to laugh a little louder as you walked away? Knowing how I hurt all the time, knowing how they hurt me, I think that makes you worse than them. They knew they would hurt me yes, just like you did, but you understood how badly you would hurt me. That makes you worse than Willie. I don't know what it makes you- but I know you lied. When we were young- long before we could predict this end, you promised you wouldn't be like them- so who are you Kyleen?
You're walking away now and you're breaking me in ways I didn't even know could break- so who are you Kyleen? You are screwing me over is the biggest way there is - knowingly screwing me over Kyleen- so who are you? Because you're not the girl I used to know. You're not my best friend of yesterday. You aren't even Kyleen anymore. Because Kyleen thought about people other than her. Kyleen would see what's been happening since she moved. Kyleen wouldn't shit on all those that love her. Kyleen wouldn't be telling everyone who loves her to Fuck off. Kyleen wouldn't be doing all those things whoever you are is doing. But again this is ground I've already covered and you're still ignoring.
So I guess the question is Why? why? And I wish I could tell you everything else that rolls around in my head, my heart, but I don't think you're safe now. And I hope that hurts you as much as it hurts me. I hope this hurts you as much as it hurts me- so you remember that letter where I said that the 'road back to my heart would be a long, hard road in hell, and the last steps into my heart would be forever missing'- because for now I'm letting go of what you obviously don't care about and your road will be a long one. A very long one and I will never really trust you fully again. I want you to know that. I want you to hear me say that now, because I think you already know -you know these things I'm telling you now- but I'm telling you so you can never say you didn't know.
You say you don't want to lose me- but losing me and letting me go are two different things and you can never lose me. You are letting me go. And that's your choice. And even with that choice, I want you to know I'll remember you fondly. I will love you from afar. And I will wish things could have been different- that life could have been different. I will always thank the Lord for the days when you lit up my world- even if that meant you had to burn it down later.
Kyleen I still love you. I don't know if that makes me stupid or what it makes me, but I love you. But I will not allow you to hurt me anymore. I will not let you. I will not just let you kick me. Those days are over. I do not hate you. I could never- though I would have the right- I hurt. I want you to know that. I hurt in a way I didn't know was possible. I hurt and I'm working on being angry. And I think you deserve the anger. So I'm telling you like it is because one of us needs to be honest and it's not been you in a quite a while has it? So if this sounds angry- it is. If this sounds like I'm bleeding- I am. And I will for some time yet. But you need to know. More than that I need to tell you those words I didn't have before.
I want you to know that I cried over you. I have been crying over you for quite a while now. But last night I sobbed pieces of my broken heart over you. I curled up on the bathroom rug and I cried over you. I crawled into the shower and I cried over you, trying to get the water to wash away the pain. I cried until I nearly threw up. Then I cried more. I cried until the effects of it would show around my eyes for weeks. I cried over you harder than I've cried over him. I cried, heart wrenching sobs over you until I could do nothing more than curl up, and whimper in a pool of my own misery. And I continued to cry over you until I fell into a troubled sleep. I cried over you Kyleen and I hope that matters to you. Because tears of a strong women have condemned better souls than you to hell. And I cried over you.
Posted on 02.09.07 at 23:06
Current Location: Mom's house
Nerve endings' vibes: restless
If you were here, I'd curl up into you- away from the world. All I would hear was the steady beat of the rain overhead matching the beat of your heart- as you breath whispered through my hair.
If you were here, I would be running my finger tips up and down your back just barely touching you.
If you were here, I would quietly whisper "I love you- only you" knowing you feel the same way.
If you were here, I would be smiling softly as you tell me stories of this time we are apart, laughing as you tell me the mishaps and maybe crying a little over the tragedies.
If you were here, I would tell you those thing that have burned inside me for so long that I never even knew was there. I would ask you to hold me-hold me close- please don't let go. And I would cling to you almost afraid you would disappear.
If you were here, I would whisper my secrets to you as you slept- smiling down at your moonlight dappled face. I would gently brush a kiss to your lips and lay silently back down, snuggling into you. I would at that moment feel all the cracks and gaps in my soul fill with you - just you -
If you were here.
Posted on 02.06.07 at 21:04
I have said so many words- many of them saying the same things. I have written until the hurt is dulled and I have little else to say. Now you want to talk... but love, I have no words. I have said them all- they are here, on these pages of life left unturned. So what now? You say tell you when and where and their you'll be- but I don't know that I have anything else to say to be honest. I started to write them here because writing makes what I have to say come out more fluently- the backspace button works here- and I was afraid I was losing whatever time I had to voice what I thought, felt, wanted, needed...so I wrote...and now. Now I have said mostly everything. Now you want to talk- and I am empty. Now, you will have to say when, where, because I think you have more to say that has not already been said. So my darling the ball is in your court. You choose if we play- and then when and where.
Posted on 02.05.07 at 23:02
Over the roar in my head: I miss you so much
I was never angry...not truly. I hurt too much to be angry. I too missed Kyleen...I still do. You should know by now that we hide what we feel- but I wasn't really hiding it. I wrote where I knew it would be heard- if not by you then by her...And I ask that you don't get on your high horse and act like we are wrong to miss what you refuse to be. I ask that you don't throw into our faces our love and then get angry with us for finally knowing what we want, what we need, what we miss. I ask, with no spite or malice, when, if ever, you will come home- Really come home Kyleen- not just a stop off- a pit stop onto the race track that is your world with Lenora- or are you going to forget who you are- who we are.
Because love us or not you're losing us. And we've been watching it happen for some time now- it has been you who has ignored it- so do not act like we are the one's not communicating. Not when you refuse to stay in one place long enough to communicate- let alone be seen. We did not communicate. US.
I am not going to say leave Lenora- what kind of a friend would I be then? You know that I love Lenora- so don't try to twist my words on me- She is wonderful- I agree- but at what cost- you are both losing who you are- and it's scary for those watching. I'm not saying don't be together- what I am saying is we Love you and we miss you.
I won't yell, Kyleen, I won't scream, or rant or rage. But I will say quietly, late at night when I miss you most- Where are you? Where have you gone? Where are you going? Are you proud of the person you are becoming? Because you're scaring me. You get angry so fast, and you lost you patience. You take offense to everything- every word, look, thought. So I ask you, Kyleen, as someone who you used to call your best friend- What is going on? Who are you? Do you miss us? Are you running so fast in directions we cannot or will not follow- that we should all just smile, with tears behind guarded eyes and bid each other ado? Because I'm hoping against all that is holy, that the answer is no- while all the evidence is screaming yes.
Posted on 01.23.07 at 23:10
Nerve endings' vibes: contemplative
I've never written a letter I knew you'd read. I debate why that is. Maybe one day I'll tell you those things I think, but not now. I want to tell you things; I want you to understand. I want to remember the goods times, they were there, but I still want you to know that there were times that weren't so good. I have a lot of things I want to say, but I don't have words in which to say them. So listen really carefully and maybe you'll hear the words of my heart.
Dad, I love you. I do, I'm telling you truthful- but where were you all those years? Where were you when I needed you? Where were you when I woke up from nightmares? Where were you when I was performing? Where were you when I cried? Where were you? It hurts me that you weren't around when I needed you. You were never far away- but the miles between our hearts are still so great I look at us and wonder if we will ever meet toe to toe.
Dad, I'm all grown now- do you see that? Do you see how far I've come? Do you understand the road I've taken to get where I am today? Do you understand the years of life I wasted needed and wanting you? Didn't you hear my cries for you to come back- I know you did. Didn't you ever wonder how it would effect me to see you hurt the most amazing woman I've ever known? Didn't you ever wonder how, in years to come, I would nightmare over and over about that night? Were you ever aware that I held her as she cried and bled and cried? Were you aware that I held an ice pack to her face as it began to swell? Didn't you know how I hated you for what you had done to my family? Didn't you ever stop to think that maybe I thought it was my fault? I know you didn't want me. I know that- I will never understand that- I will probably always hurt over that- but it doesn't stop the knowledge. Didn't you ever think I would take the blame? Because I did, I did take the blame.
For years I tried so hard to make you proud enough of me that you'd want me. I tried to be everyone's everything to make up for ruining their worlds. I agonized over it Dad, night and day I carried the weight of responsibility, of guilt- and soon the weight of hatred. I was so angry, but I kept my peace- I didn't have the right to anger over things that were my fault. I didn't cry because crying was for babies and I also didn't have the right to that release. I grew to hate crying, and when I cried I was ashamed- so ashamed I forgot how to take comfort. Years later I would find that though I desperately wanted someone, anyone to hold me when I hurt, I didn't know how to let them. I act like I don't want to be held- but I want nothing more- nothing.
Years past and I broke more with each passing day. What was more, She tried to break me in every way she knew how. For the most part I didn't stop her. Who was I to say I hurt, after causing so much pain? So I let her. I let her dump on me. I let her rage. I let her swear. I let her hit. I didn't stop her. I couldn't. Secretly, I felt it was repaying my debt to the family I loved so much but did nothing but hurt. So I let her. I'm ashamed to admit that I let her. I'm not just a statistic though, Dad, because I understood it was wrong. I understood in my head that it wasn't okay- but my heart disagreed.
Only by God's grace, did He come into my life. He showed me love in every way no one else could. To this day I don't know why or how, but I am so grateful none the less. He started my healing, and for that I will love him forever. But even knowing his love for me held no conditions, I expected him to walk away- just like you did. Even understanding that he loved me like no one else was capable, I expected him to raise his hand to me. Sadly, I wouldn't have stopped him. There were times, I'm ashamed to say, that I wanted him to, just so I would remember why love wasn't worth anything- there were times he was angry and not only did I expect his hand- I told him it was okay. And if nothing else shames me- that single statement that I made, more than once, of "You're angry with me, it's okay to hit me," that shames me most. I was okay with being a punching bag- do you know what that's like? To be so broken in spirit that it's in your mind it's just fine for someone to raise their hand to your face?
Dad, I've wondered over the years if you even care about these things that I'm telling you, and those I'm not. Do you? Do you understand that though I love you, we won't ever be a Dad and a child? Do you understand that at my wedding I don't think I can dance with you for a Father/ daughter dance? Does that rip at your heart the way it does mine? You weren't there when I needed you- you weren't really a dad- not when it counted. You never held my hair while I was sick. You didn't hold me when I hurt. You didn't kiss the hurts goodbye. You didn't run your hand through my hair. You didn't push me on swings. You didn't teach me about the stars. You never taught me how to wish. And if you couldn't do those simple things, I'm not I can let you step in now, when someone else took your place. As much as I love you, and I do, there was someone else who did those things- and I never really called him dad because I didn't want to hurt you like you hurt me. So if I were to dance with you at my wedding as the only Father/ Daughter dance- what happens to the man that really raised me? On the other hand if I dance with him, that's doing what I've strived my entire life not to do- it hurts you. So I think my answer lies somewhere in the middle.
Dad, I don't know that I've said those things I meant to say, or that you heard those desperate whispers in my heart- but I want you to know that I love you. That I don't blame you now how I did then. That on some levels I even understand why you did what you did, even if I don't understand the way you did it. But I still wish I knew how to tell you I miss what I never had with you, even though I gave you more opportunities than you deserved. I wish I could tell you, without breaking you that I wanted what you never were- a daddy. I hope now, that you can look at me and be proud of who I am, and what I've become and am becoming, because I am strong and beautiful in many ways. And I hope that you will one day look past the blame casting and make your peace because you hurt each other and on the way broke a family. Maybe it's time to forgive and start living a life where, at least, my kids will be able to call you Granddaddy, and the sun will shine on our relationship that is starting to grow.
All my love-
Posted on 01.22.07 at 21:54
Nerve endings' vibes: distressed
I found myself on the phone, the other day, talking to the pixie girl dressed in 50's attire, giggling over boys in supermarkets. I found myself listening as she told me, finally, finally she knew she was home. I smiled, because I understood exactly, and I listened to her cereal and tulip tainted day. And it was good. It was really good. It felt like I was part of someone's life again. It felt basic and peaceful- just to know that someone was there to talk it all out with. Granted she was a half hour away, but I'll take it. It was good to hear someone's voice- someone I love. It was good to hear that her love asked about me. It was good to realize I care about him- no longer is it, I love him because she loves him, but I actually like him- and it's good.
Lately, I thought I was healing and stepping past this need to not be alone. I thought. And actually, I'm fine being alone, I'm telling you truthful, I am. But late at night I lay awake pondering to myself- and I ache so deep that I think to my very core I hurt. I sleep fitfully and wish to be held, to know someone is around, at least, to try not to wake. And then I dream of him and they are odd, disjointed dreams where he is here and then gone. And Time cannot decide where She stands, so She skips around until She's ready to settle. I wake up a little more empty then I slept and just as lonely. And I debate if I will ever stop feeling this way.
I think one of the hardest things to believe right now is hearing that glassblowing pixie girl tell me how strong I am. I'm not sure if it's suppose to boost me up, but I don't feel it. An inspiration, is that what you called me, love? I don't feel like anything more than a rock climber, hanging on for dear life on a slipper slope that leads to hell, holding nothing more than a shoe string to keep me up. I feel like the little pieces of me are starting to fall, but I'm to damned busy trying to hold on to that shoe lace to catch them. I feel like I'm losing what I was, but not gaining who I ought to be. I'm afraid I'm forgetting me, him.
I miss hearing his voice. I miss feeling his touch, watching him smile. I miss tickling him until he could barely breathe. I miss the late nights, the walks down the beach. I miss feeling someone touch me back. He was the only one who did so freely- without my permission, and I miss that- I miss human touch. I miss the times we had, I miss the moments we shared. But mostly- I'm coming to understand that I miss my love. I miss the man, the lover, the healer, I miss my love.
So, right now, I don't feel strong, I don't feel like an inspiration. I feel scratchy and edgy, and lonely- and honestly that's a terrible thing to aspire to- I'm sorry darling, but I'm stronger in your mind that in reality and I am trying so hard to be who you see me as- the woman I want to be- but right now- right now, I'm falling short of both of our expectations.
Posted on 01.22.07 at 21:49
Nerve endings' vibes: drained
You won't actually read this, but for a couple seconds let me pretend okay? Thanks.
I miss you. Okay, you ask, I refuse to tell but damn it, I miss you and I ache to be held by you and you are so damn far away and I need you here. That's right, I know what I need now and there's not a single thing you can do about it because you'll never know, because I'll never tell. Isn't ironic that I finally know what I want and need but it doesn't matter now because it's am impossible dream. It's sadly ironic and painful but that is life love.
I wish I could touch your face and run my hands through your hair. I wish I could hear your laugh in something more than my memory and I wish I could hold you close and never have to let you go. But I understand reality- and in reality if you were to be home now, I wouldn't let you touch me, not right off the bat. You'll want to hug me and hold me and I will shove my hand between us with speed neither of us knew I had and you'll end up shaking my hands while you debate shaking my shoulders. And both of us will want more than that- but I'm not sure I'll allow it to happen because I will never be okay with people I don't know hugging me- and that my love is what you'll be- someone I don't know.
So I may miss you until I think I will break into thousands of pieces- but you'll never know because I'll never tell.
Posted on 01.21.07 at 23:21
Nerve endings' vibes: disappointed
I'm writing this, even though I'm not sure you still read this, or that you want to know, or even if you care anymore. You said once that you would hold me if I would let you. You said that you wished there was some way to convince me that I would be okay. You had wanted to see me really smile, to laugh like I really meant it.
Do you see me now? I do smile and occasionally it reaches my eyes and warms their cold depths. I do laugh and occasionally it's that deep heart-felt, from the bottom of your toes laugh. You had said you would want someone to hold you if you were me- that you wanted to ask what was wrong but you were afraid. You were afraid I'd pull further back into myself and maybe you'd never see the KelseaMae you loved again. You were afraid I would walk away, weren't you? You were afraid I'd leave this place permanently, weren't you? You were afraid. You've been afraid for a long time haven't you? Most your life really- so what happened?
Did you decide that you'd walk away first? Did you think I'd be okay with that? Did you think it was okay to kick me where I hurt most just so you would be like everyone else? Is that what you want to be, like everyone else? Because I don't know anymore- I don't know you, and frankly it hurts.
And I guess it's my turn to be afraid.
I'm afraid I'm losing you.
I'm afraid you're losing you. I'm afraid the young lady I love so much is gone now. That you've forgotten her. I'm afraid of the road you're taking. I'm afraid that I might have to let you go, because you are hurting me too much. I'm afraid that I'm going to have to love you from afar because up close and personal is too painful. Watching you throw your life away is to painful. Watching as you throw all the potential you have- all the amazing-ness you have into the trash- darling, that scares me. Coming home every night not knowing if you're going to be there or if I'm going to run headlong into Alex-that scares me.
Because who is Alex?
I don't know her. She is foreign and strange and irresponsible and immature- who is she and where has she put my best friend. The girl who used to tell me where she was going, what she was doing, who returned phone calls, instead of feeling like she needed to avoid answering, or just lie to my face. The girl who used to be mellow and easy and laugh at the stupid things? Where is the girl who used to not care what anyone thinks? Where is the girl who swore she wouldn't let someone else change her so she would lose who she was? Where is that girl? Where is the girl who understood what I meant before I said it terribly? Where is she? What have you done with her?
So tell me love- and tell me truthful- who are you becoming and are you proud of her? Or are you hiding once again - hiding in someone you're not? And if you are, can you save away the real you until you're ready to remember, until you're ready to live again? Can you put into that saved you's memory that I love you and that I'm ready to have you back? Can you hurry along this road so maybe, just maybe everyone who loves you can stop hurting?
Or are you going to just say Fuck you- Fuck you all- Fuck all you that have loved me- Fuck you, you should have seen it coming, you should have known. If you are going to tell us to all Fuck off, please warn me now, so I can prepare to have it said one more time by someone else who swore they would never say it. And if you are going to give us the finger- remember the journey back will be a long, hard road in hell and the road back to my heart will be forever missing the final stepping stones letting you in. If you are going to say those words, babe, I'm walking away now while the pieces of my heart are a large enough I won't have to squint to put them back together. And I'm going to look back at our time together and sigh, knowing you are so much more.
Posted on 01.21.07 at 23:09
Outside the winds
howl and rage
running like tear streaked mascara.
But in here-
laying on my bed
memories hold me close
keep me warm.
Light flickers across the room
it smells of tart apples-
wax from spicy candles.
The smell takes me back
to a time
in a different
nearly a different
This room too
smelt of tart apples
wax from spicy candles
Outside the winds
howled and raged
The rain poured
running like tears streaked mascara.
But you held me close.
We were the shadows
in the flickering light.
The light dappled your tawny skin
the long length of you
casting shadows on me.
My pale to your tan.
The room was thick with
We clung together
holding each other.
Drinking in the tart apple smell of spicy wax,
the touch of silk and skin
the sighs caught between
All in secret-
knowing one day soon
it would be this way.
Knowing one day too soon
we'd look back
As the wind
howled and raged
The rain pours
running like tear streaked mascara
laying in pools of light cast
by spicy waxed, tart apple candles.
Posted on 01.18.07 at 22:12
Nerve endings' vibes: lonely
Today Loneliness seems to plague me. I am not overly sure why, or what spawns this need to fell like I'm accepted by one and all. Maybe because it is a full moon- perhaps that is it. I don't really know- I just feel achy, tires, forgotten. Even understanding I am none of these things truly I feel this way. Achy and needy. I don't know. I just don't. I'm not sure what I'm saying makes sense and by tomorrow I may be ashamed I'm so shallow and this entry will disappear- but I just need to ask-
Are you out there? Do you remember me?
And now asking that- I fell stupid- because honestly I know those answers and I'm trying to heal past this point that I keep reaching....but why am I back here feeling like this? I just don''t get it.
Posted on 01.16.07 at 21:15
Nerve endings' vibes: contemplative
If you were to look at me, really look, what would you see? Would you see the circle around my eyes? Would you see that my smile stops just a little short of those tired eyes? Would you see I wear make up to cover the pain? Would you see the words I stop before saying? Would you see how I miss those I love? Would you see that I've changed, grown, healed that I'm closing in on that time, that place where I no longer need you? Does that bother you at all? Do you see it bothers me more than slightly?
Do you see that more than missing the man I love who is so far away, I miss you, my best friend who is right here, in the same place we jokingly call a home. We breathe the same air, walk the same circles, fill the same dishwasher...but do you see what's happening? Do you see that I am building walls around my heart because you are hurting me? Do you see that I'm closing you out of that place you used to so comfortably reside? Do you see how it's hurting me to do this, knowing it will hurt you? Do you see I have no other choice?
If I am to heal, I have to stop hurting so intensely, so often, I have to put myself in a place where I am safe, not because someone else said so, or because someone else wants that of me, but because I am safe...me,with my real emotions-that are mine...not a reflection you you or them.
So do you see what's happening to us? The us that used to be is gone. The me that used to be is forgotten- no, not forgotten, because that me is there, in a memory of yesterday, a memory that is beginning to yellow and fade but still it's remembered because I have to see then to remember never to go back there tomorrow. But do you see that as I am healing, patching myself together, you are not helping, you are hendering, and that my dear, I cannot let you do, because I have to heal to survive. And soon, if we aren't really careful, I am going to have to let you go,though I love you. But I am not going to hurt because I love. That isn't how love is supposed to work, that's what I never learned...as this lesson keeps repeating it's self...I never learned how love was truly supposed to be and how to allow for it. I knew love wasn't supposed to hurt, I guess I knew, but I never stopped it, did I?
But times change, and I have changed and I won't hurt because I am cursed with this thing called love anymore. I am healing and I am growing without you. Without the girl I used to know. The one I love enough to die for. I don't know where that girl went- every now and again I catch a glimpse of here but she scurries away leaving me with nothing more than bittersweet memories of a time past when we were three and we were strong together. But now...now do you see that we are not three...we are one, each to our own except once in a while when she and I are two and we worry over you...
Do you see this is not a blame-this is an explanation of where I am and what has happened to me and I guess it's the question I posed a while ago- Where did my best friend go? And if you see her, can you really look at her and tell her if she gets a chance to stop for a second and look, really look at what's happening...and can you please tell her I miss her and I want her to come home.
Posted on 12.04.06 at 11:17
Current Location: Evergreen
Nerve endings' vibes: drained
I see all these smiling eyes, like you understand.
You look at me and smile like you know me.
I smile back, that plastic lipped smile because who are you to tell me you know?
Who are you to tell me you understand?
Who are you to tell me you know me?
How do you think you know me?
You think I am this and I am that, that I stand for these things, that I did this and didn't do that. But you don't know.
You know what you assume and you assume wrong.
You tell me I am something I'm not.
You want me to be something I can't.
What's more is I won't.
For once in my life fuck off,
I won't be yor baby doll,
I won't be your stepford wife,
I won't be your perfect daughter who you hate,
I won't be a good role model,
I won't be the good little girl,
I won't be what everyone else wants!
I won't do it anymore.
I will be me. Who ever in the hell that is, okay?
Is that okay with you?
Actually I don't really care what you think about it.
I shrug my shoudlers and turn away from your unhappy eyes, I hide my tears for hurting you under indifference.
I know you want me to be good, to do right, to be who you want. I know, and I tried my entire life to be someones everything and I can't,
It's not worth the pain I bury so deep inside I almost convince myself this is normal.
It is not worth this twisted thing you call love.
So I won't be
what I can't be
I'm sorry that hurts you,
I wish I could be
all you want me to be
But I can not,
So I'm sorry.
ButI've got to be